When caring for everyone else leaves little space for yourself
September can be a difficult month for many families. The return to school, new routines, fresh expectations and the pressure of another academic year can bring a mixture of emotions. For some families, however, September is about much more than getting back into the swing of things. For me, as a mum to a neurodivergent teenage daughter, this September has been particularly challenging.
Alongside the usual worries that come with parenting a teenager, I've found myself navigating concerns about my eldest child’s mental health, making phone calls to school to advocate for their needs, and trying to support them as they enter their GCSE years. It's a big transition, and I know that both of us are carrying fears and worries about what lies ahead. I worry about how they are feeling emotionally, whether they are getting the support they need and how they will manage the pressures and expectations of the next couple of years. I want them to feel understood, supported and able to reach their potential, but I also know that the journey won't always be straightforward.
There are days when it feels as though I'm constantly trying to hold everything together, balancing my own concerns with the responsibility of helping them navigate theirs.
And then there's my younger child, who has just started secondary school. I find myself carrying a familiar and uncomfortable feeling of guilt. Am I giving them enough of my time and attention? Am I so caught up in supporting my oldest child that I'm missing the moments when my younger child needs me, too?
I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Many parents and carers find themselves pulled in different directions, trying to meet the needs of everyone they love while quietly questioning whether they're doing enough.
When the school morning sets the tone for the whole day
One of the things I've found particularly difficult this September is navigating the mornings.
Getting ready for school and making it out of the door can sometimes involve heightened emotions, anxiety, frustration and overwhelm. What might seem like a straightforward morning routine can feel like an enormous challenge when emotions are already running high. As a parent, you're trying to help your child manage their feelings, keep things moving and get everyone where they need to be. You're also managing your own emotions, worries and stress, often putting your own needs aside to focus on theirs. And when the morning has been difficult, the impact doesn't necessarily end when the school gates close. The stress can follow you into the rest of the day. You might find yourself replaying conversations, worrying about how your child is coping, questioning whether you handled things in the right way or simply feeling emotionally drained. Even when you move on to work, household responsibilities or caring for another child, a part of you may still be back in that difficult morning.
It's exhausting.
And when these experiences happen repeatedly, they can gradually take their toll on your own emotional wellbeing.
The invisible load of parenting and caring
Parenting and caring for a child with additional needs can involve an enormous amount of emotional and practical work that other people don't always see. There are appointments to organise, school meetings to attend, professionals to contact, decisions to make and systems to navigate. There are worries about the future, concerns about mental health, the emotional impact of seeing your child struggle and the constant mental juggling of trying to anticipate what they might need next. There can also be the challenge of supporting siblings, maintaining relationships, managing work and keeping everyday life going.
And somewhere in the middle of all of this, your own needs can quietly slip to the bottom of the list.
You might tell yourself that you'll have a break when things settle down, that you'll make time for yourself when your child is doing better or that other people need your attention more than you do. But what happens when things don't settle down? What happens when the next challenge arrives before you've had a chance to recover from the last one?
The truth is that you can love your child deeply and still find caring emotionally exhausting.
You can feel proud of them and worried about them at the same time.
You can be grateful for your family and still feel overwhelmed by the demands of everyday life.
You can be a devoted parent and still need time, support and space for yourself.
These feelings don't make you a bad parent or carer. They make you human.
Why looking after yourself matters
As parents and carers, we often become so focused on supporting everyone else that we forget we are people with needs, feelings and limits of our own. We may become used to pushing through exhaustion, ignoring our own stress and telling ourselves that we'll deal with how we're feeling later. But consistently neglecting our own wellbeing can have a significant impact over time.
When we're constantly running on empty, it can become harder to regulate our emotions, manage stress, maintain relationships and find the energy to cope with everyday challenges. We may become more irritable, anxious, tearful or withdrawn. We might struggle to sleep, lose interest in things we once enjoyed or feel increasingly disconnected from the person we used to be.
Sometimes, we become so accustomed to putting everyone else first that we forget what we need altogether.
Looking after yourself isn't selfish. It isn't a luxury. And it isn't something you need to earn by getting everything else done first.
It matters because you matter.
Your emotional wellbeing deserves attention in its own right, not simply because it helps you care for someone else. Of course, looking after yourself doesn't mean you can eliminate the challenges your family faces. It doesn't mean you'll always feel calm, patient or capable. And it certainly doesn't mean that if you're struggling, you simply need to practise better self-care. Sometimes, the pressures you're facing are genuinely difficult, and you may need practical help, emotional support or changes to the support available to your family.
But finding small ways to look after yourself can help create moments of breathing space within an otherwise demanding day.
Small ways to look after yourself when you don't have much time
When life feels overwhelming, the idea of adding another task to your to-do list can feel impossible.
You might hear suggestions about taking time for yourself, exercising, meditating or finding a hobby and think, When exactly am I supposed to fit that in?
That's why I believe it's important to think about wellbeing in smaller, more manageable ways.
You don't need to set aside an hour or completely change your routine.
Sometimes, it's about finding a few moments within the life you're already living.
Here are some small things you might like to try.
1. Take a 30-second breathing break
When you notice yourself becoming overwhelmed, pause for a moment if it's safe and practical to do so.
Take three slow, comfortable breaths.
Notice how you're feeling and ask yourself:
What do I need right now?
You might need a moment of quiet, a drink of water, some reassurance or simply to acknowledge that you're having a difficult day.
You don't have to solve everything in that moment.
2. Make your first cup of tea or coffee a moment for yourself
Instead of immediately rushing into the next task, try to give yourself a little space while having your first drink.
Notice the warmth of the mug, the taste of the drink and the feeling of sitting down, even if it's only for a minute.
You don't need to turn it into a perfect mindfulness exercise.
Just allow yourself to experience a small moment that belongs to you.
3. Listen to one song you love
Music can be a simple way to bring a little enjoyment or comfort into your day.
Put on a favourite song while getting ready, making breakfast, travelling to work or taking a short break.
Choose something that lifts your mood, helps you feel calmer or reminds you of a time when life felt a little lighter.
You don't need a full hour to yourself. Sometimes, one song is enough to give you a moment of enjoyment.
4. Step outside for two minutes
If you can, step outside for a few minutes.
Notice the air on your skin, look at the sky or pay attention to the sounds around you.
You don't need to go for a long walk or meet a step target.
Just allow yourself a brief change of environment and a moment to pause.
5. Check in with yourself
When you're busy looking after others, it's easy to lose touch with how you're actually feeling.
Try asking yourself three simple questions:
What am I feeling?
What am I carrying?
What do I need?
You don't have to write anything down or come up with a solution.
Simply acknowledging your feelings can be a useful first step towards recognising that you need support, rest or a little space.
6. Do one small thing just for you
Ask yourself:
What's one small thing I could do today that has nothing to do with being a parent or carer?
It might be reading a couple of pages of a book, watching something funny, having your favourite snack, listening to a podcast or spending a few minutes doing something creative.
It doesn't have to be productive or meaningful.
It can simply be something you enjoy.
You are allowed to have interests, pleasures and moments that are just for you.
7. Reach out to someone
Caring responsibilities can sometimes leave us feeling isolated, particularly when so much of our time and energy is taken up with supporting others.
You don't have to arrange a big catch-up or explain everything you're going through.
Sometimes, sending a quick message to a friend or someone you trust can help you feel a little more connected.
You might simply say:
“I've been having a difficult week. I just wanted to say hello.”
And if you need more than a quick message, it's okay to ask for that, too.
8. Give yourself permission to let one thing wait
When you're used to managing everyone else's needs, it can be difficult to step back from the feeling that everything needs to be done immediately.
Try identifying one non-urgent thing you can leave until tomorrow.
Perhaps you don't need to reply to that message straight away, finish every household task or make a decision before you're ready.
Ask yourself:
Does this really need to be done today?
Sometimes, giving yourself permission to do less is an important act of self-care.
9. Name how you're feeling without trying to fix it
When you're overwhelmed, you might automatically move into problem-solving mode.
You may start thinking about what you need to do, who you need to contact or how you can make things better.
But sometimes, it's helpful to pause and simply acknowledge what you're experiencing.
Try saying to yourself:
“I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.”
Or:
“I'm worried about my child, and this is really difficult.”
You don't have to push the feeling away or immediately find a solution.
You can acknowledge that something is hard without needing to fix it in that moment.
10. Notice one small thing that brings you joy
When life is full of worries and responsibilities, our attention can become focused on everything that's difficult.
Try taking a moment to notice one small thing that makes you smile, feel comforted or feel connected.
It might be the sunshine coming through the window, a favourite song, a warm blanket, a funny message or a moment of laughter with your child.
This isn't about pretending everything is okay or ignoring the difficult things you're experiencing.
It's simply about allowing space for moments of enjoyment alongside the challenges.
You don't have to do all of these things
If there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this list, it's that wellbeing shouldn't become another responsibility you're struggling to keep up with. You don't need to try every activity, create a perfect routine or feel guilty when you don't manage to make time for yourself.
Choose one small thing that feels achievable.
Perhaps it's taking three slow breaths before you get out of the car, enjoying the first few sips of your morning tea or sending a message to someone you trust. It might be something different every day.
And if even these small things feel impossible right now, that doesn't mean you're failing. It may simply be a sign that you're carrying a lot and need more support.
You deserve support, too
Writing this has reminded me how easy it is to become so focused on supporting our children that we forget about ourselves. As a mum, I know how deeply I want to protect my children, help them feel safe and supported, and give them the best opportunities I can. I also know that I can't remove every difficulty they will face, and I can't always make things better simply by trying harder.
I'm learning that looking after myself matters, too. Not just because I want to be there for my children, but because I matter as a person, beyond my role as a mum.
I deserve space to acknowledge my own feelings, work through my worries and receive support when things feel difficult. And so do you.
If you're a parent or carer who feels emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious or unsure how to make space for yourself, please know that you don't have to navigate everything alone. You don't have to wait until you reach breaking point before asking for help.
Counselling: An investment in your wellbeing
As a counsellor, I understand that parents and carers can carry an enormous emotional load, often without having a safe space to talk about how they're really feeling.
You may spend so much time advocating for your child, supporting your family and managing everyday responsibilities that there is little opportunity to focus on your own emotional needs.
Counselling can offer you a confidential, supportive space to pause, reflect and explore what's happening for you.
It can give you the opportunity to:
Talk openly about your worries, fears and frustrations without feeling judged.
Explore the emotional impact of caring for a child with additional needs or health difficulties.
Work through feelings of guilt, anxiety, exhaustion or overwhelm.
Develop a better understanding of your own needs, feelings and boundaries.
Explore ways to manage stress and look after your emotional wellbeing.
Reconnect with yourself as a person, not just as a parent or carer.
You don't need to have everything figured out before you come to counselling.
You don't need to know exactly what you want to say.
And you don't need to justify why you're finding things difficult.
Invest in yourself. Your wellbeing matters.
If you're a parent or carer of a child with additional needs or physical or mental health difficulties, and you're finding things difficult, I'd love to hear from you.
I offer counselling for parents and carers who need a space of their own to talk, reflect and feel supported.
My counselling practice: Lindsey Knowles Counselling Therapy
📍 Location: Cwmbran and Risca, Wales
💻 Sessions: In-person / online (UK Wide)
📧 Email: lindsey@LKCT.co.uk
🌐 Website: www.lindseyknowlescounsellingtherapy.co.uk
Ready to take the first step?
Get in touch to find out more about my counselling services or to arrange an initial conversation.
You spend so much time looking after everyone else. Perhaps it's time to make a little space for you.
